Cold approach – How to stop running out of things to say

Intro

This post will provide strategies on how to stop running out of things to say during cold approach.

I’ll be focusing on daygame rather than nightgame because I have far more experience with daygame and while a lot of this does apply to both. I’m certainly no nightgame expert and claiming otherwise would just be disingenuous.

I’m not a daygame expert either and at the time of writing this, at best I would consider myself a solid intermediate. I’ve done 1000+ approaches over the course of 3 years~ and have by this point, a firm grasp on what does and doesn’t work in the realm of daytime cold approach.

I’ve winged daygame with loads of guys from all types of backgrounds, ranging from scared beginners to advanced veterans.

Tragically, I’ve seen multiple iterations of the most common patterns, problems and sticking points guys typically face while learning to cold approach.

Both in myself, and in others.

The problem – running out of things to say

No bullshit, daygame is hard… really F*cking hard… for multiple reasons…

Firstly, if you’re in a western country like me then it’s not the social norm to just walk up to a stranger during the day and start hitting on them.

Especially if you’re anything like me, who came from an introverted background with moderate to severe social anxiety.

Due to this, a proportion of your interactions you’ll be immediately met with skepticism.

Going forward it becomes your job to prove in fact that you are a normal, attractive and confident guy rather than some weirdo.

Secondly, you’re putting your ego and emotions on the line with every approach and unless you’re a complete sociopath who doesn’t give a f*ck, or a day-drinker – the amount of consecutive rejections can mount and take their toll on your mental health.

I’ve seen guys drop out along the way because they couldn’t handle the sheer amount of rejection and weren’t willing to take the necessary feedback onboard to improve themselves.

If you’ve developed a solid frame and high self-esteem through other positive habits such working out, learning relevant new skills and have a clear mission in life, then naturally you’ll give less of a f*ck about each particular rejection because you know your value.

Check out my article about why rejection doesn’t actually matter as much as you think

It’s also worth noting that putting in lots of cold approach reps can lessen the sting of rejection to a significant degree (exposure therapy) because you get direct reference experience knowing that even if one particular interaction goes wrong, nothing bad really happens other than slight momentary discomfort.

Still, even the most advanced daygamers will say if they are being completely honest with you, that they still have some approach anxiety.

They’ve just learn to act in spite of it and can get past it into a social flow state much quicker than a beginner can.

One of the main difficulties for most guys after the initial approach anxiety is running out of things to say. Leading to conversations fizzling out and getting awkward.

It’s almost like a secondary delayed approach anxiety that builds up until the mind goes blank, and you either default to boring interview questions OR eject from the interaction entirely to save face and stop it getting even more awkward.

While both are not ideal, it’s much better to default to boring interview questions and at least try and ‘close’ regardless of how awkward and bad you think the conversation went.

I could actually feel the state of anxiety coming on.

Counterintuitively what triggers it for me is if I’m thinking in advance on what to say, rather than actively listening and being present with the girl.

I’ve ejected from interactions due to running out of things to say countless times, leaving girls that could of actually been into me standing there confused.

Solutions

Here’s some of the solutions I’ve found that can make your daygame conversations much more solid and smoother while also giving you ammo to prevent you running out of things to say.

What to talk about

Your conversation should be focused on her. Women are generally very solipsistic, and their favourite topic is… themselves.

From the girls perspective, you’re just a random stranger that’s approached her on the street, the mall, the cafe etc.

She knows nothing about you and probably doesn’t care, initially at least.

So focusing the spotlight of conversation on them is great to use as a foundation to build a solid interaction.

Start the conversation focusing on the following.

• What you noticed about her
• What she’s doing right now

As the conversation progresses you can flesh out the topics based on information she’s given you.

The more present you can be, the better

Focus on what’s happening right now as opposed to some abstract future event/scenario.

It’ll make you seem much more normal. The approach will come across more organic and natural rather than scripted and robotic.

Observations & assumptions

An easy thing to implement is making assumptions rather than asking straight up questions. The good thing about assumptions is that they can be wrong, wild and outlandish.

Often the more so the better because you’ll come across as more charismatic, creative and imaginative as well as demonstrating that you’re a fun, carefree guy that doesn’t take the situation so seriously.

Assumptions are also a good way to get information from a girl without it feeling like you are bombarding her with interview questions.

Most of the time if you make an assumption and it’s wrong, the girl will correct you anyway and give you the information you were looking for.

Here’s some examples of assumptions that you can use in place of common questions:

What are you doing right now? -> You look like you’re about to…

What do you study? -> You look like the type of girl that studies…

Where are you from? -> I think you are from because you look xyz…

Remember, it doesn’t matter if you’re wrong.

Examples:

Girl in gym clothes – You look like you’re about to go and smash a big workout.

Girl in office clothes – You look like a serious office worker, I can imagine you sip coffee all day while pretending to work on the computer.

Asking questions

Although asking questions should always be secondary to making assumptions/observations.

Here are 4 common questions you can use as safety nets that are normal, socially acceptable and can help you gain more information to riff on and move the conversation forwards.

• What are you up to right now?

Pretty standard question to ask a girl that you’ve just met, while it’s better to make a playful assumption about what she’s up to. If you can’t think of anything funny or creative in the moment just ask it.

• Where are you from?

Again, while it’s better to make an assumption for the reason that, if you’re wrong the girl will wonder why you guessed something else which can provide more sub topics of conversation. It’s ok to just straight up ask.

• What do you do?

This one is pretty easy to make funny assumptions about based on the girls appearance. If you really can’t think of anything just ask.

• What are you into/do for fun?

This one is great, if she tells you, then you have ammo to talk about and riff on a subject she’s actually interested in.

Good vs bad questions

While it’s difficult to give precise examples of each, because each interaction is so vastly different… Here’s a good rules of thumb

Questions that expand on topics, or incite emotions by asking how she feels about a certain situation, activity or location could be considered good.

While questions that cut topics short, and come from the desperation of trying to save the conversation because you are running out of things to say… are generally bad.

These typically have no relevancy to the current topic and should be used as a last resort to save the interaction.

When to switch topics

It’s much better to fully explore a topic as much as you can and expand on each conversational thread rather than simply get an answer to your question then move on to another topic.

Below is a good vs. bad example.

Good example

Me: Hey

Girl: Hi

Me: I wanted to meet you real quick, you look great!

Girl: Oh, thanks!

Me: You look like you’re on a serious mission by the way you were just charging down the street just now.

Girl: Haha no, I’m meeting my friend then we’re going to the cinema.

Me: Interesting, you look like the type of girl that is going to see something really cheesy like barbie.

Girl: Hahaha, nope we’re going to watch a horror movie actually.

Me: Oh damn, are you going spend half of it hiding behind your friend then? That’s cheating

Girl: No way, we love horror movies!

Me: Have you seen XYZ…

Girl: Yeah, thought it was great!

Me: It was a little too scary for me if I’m honest hehe, I take it you’re a student then.

Girl: Yep, final year!

Me: You’re giving me nerdy vibes, I think you study something like maths or physics.

blah blah blah…

The topic was cinema, so expand on that in a fun way before shifting to another topic.

Bad example

Me: Hey

Girl: Hi

Me: I wanted to meet you real quick, you look great!

Girl: Oh, thanks!

Me: What are you up to right now?

Girl: Oh, I’m just going to meet my friend then we’re going to the cinema.

Me: What are you going to see?

Girl: Um, A horror movie

Me: Cool, are you a student?

Girl: Yeah

Me: What do you study?

This isnt interesting or fun, the girl will feel like she’s being put under pressure and interviewed.

This sequence is probably 20-30 seconds and already lots of topics have been brushed over and not fleshed out like they could have been in the first example. While this can work sometimes, you’re leaving lots of conversational potential on the table and increasing the likelihood that you’ll run out of things to say because your brain will think… shit I’ve already asked all my questions and it’s only been 30 seconds. Which is no where near enough time to develop a connection or spark attraction.

The first conversation is more likely to have a possible outcome.

Take your time

It’s quite common for beginners to speak way to quickly due to anxiety with their brains are going at 100MPH. You don’t need to rush and say everything all at once.

If they’d have just slowed down and given themselves the time necessary to formulate a proper response, the conversations would work out much better.

Although I never really had this problem, I would say that roughly half of the beginners I’ve been out with do.

Remember you don’t need to immediately jump in after the girl has stopped speaking, or even worse finish the girls sentences for her. You can wait a second or two then reply.

Or if you need more time to think, use a filler phrase such as:

Ah I see… or Hmm, interesting…

You can even parrot back what the girl’s just said to you.

For example if you ask what she studies and she replies that she’s a law student.

If you can’t think of something immediately say something like ‘Ah a law student, interesting… that explains the serious look you had on your face then…’

Speaking too fast is often a manifestation of anxiety and if you think you have this problem, consciously practice speaking slower than you normally would.

Recording your conversations with the sound recorder on your phone can be helpful to diagnose whether or not you have this problem.

To wrap up

Although these tips can be powerful, they can actually work against you if you’re not currently doing cold approach and practically implementing them.

There’s such thing as filling your head with too much information to the point where you can actually start overthinking things more and get stuck in analysis paralysis.

While theory certainly can be helpful to address sticking points as they come up on your own individual case, it’s important to remember that the game is played infield, not behind a screen.